{"id":52,"date":"2004-07-21T05:03:28","date_gmt":"2004-07-21T12:03:28","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.ahniwa.com\/blog\/?p=50"},"modified":"2004-07-21T05:03:28","modified_gmt":"2004-07-21T12:03:28","slug":"spider-man-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ahniwa.com\/old\/2004\/07\/21\/spider-man-2\/","title":{"rendered":"Spider-Man 2"},"content":{"rendered":"
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The movie Spider-Man 2<\/em> is a giant, steaming pile of horse-shit.
I want my $3 back. I mean:<\/p>\n

1. How many god-damned shots of Peter Parker looking pensive do we need to get the picture, “Yeah, he’s struggling with being a hero and being a person … AND?” Seriously, I don’t think a solid half-hour of the screentime needs to be devoted solely to Tobey Maguire’s friggin’ face. He’s not even that good looking.<\/p>\n

2. Spider-Man is set apart from other superheroes really by one thing. He has a knack, really an incredible talent, for witty repartee in the heat of combat. No matter what the situation, he’s got something funny and completely asinine to say, and I like that about him. So, how many witty remarks does he make in this movie? None, zilch, zip, zero — I swear he doesn’t say a damn thing while he’s fighting, except to yell “Aunt May!” and “I’ll save you.” What crap.<\/p>\n

3. The entire premise for the character struggle: Peter Parker can’t succesfully be both a good nephew, college student, employee and Spider-Man all at the same time, is shown ineffectively. We get one solid example, when he misses MJ’s play the first time — but that says nothing about his employment or studies. Sure, yeah, being Spider-Man is taking up all his time, but you could at least take a second to show us how.<\/p>\n

4. Docter Octopus is not some nice guy scientist who things go wrong for and who goes a little crazy when he and his arms start to disagree on things. He’s a bad guy. Bad guys should have one thing going for them: they should be unlikable. Not some pansy, misunderstood man just trying to do right in his own, whacked-out way. Evil, malicious, cunning, and nasty! I’m tired of them feeling like villains need to be crazy or misunderstood. There are genuinely mean and evil people out there, who are just plain, well … mean! Why the smoke screen?<\/p>\n

5. Which leads me to the movie’s whole rated-G-ness. Not a drop of blood (Peter gets a scratch or two, a couple bruises), not a single swear word. In a word, nothing that would so much as upset a 5-year-old. Spider-Man’s biggest fans are in their teens and twenties anymore, we don’t need this pampered bullshit. I’m not looking for an x-rated blood and gore-fest either, but a little blood can really help the realism; a well-placed swaer-word can help character believability. Spider-Man in fucking Candyland, I swear.<\/p>\n

6. Pacing. That was the most horribly paced action\/adventure type movie I have ever seen. Also, the CG sucked by today’s standards. Mostly just with the broad, web-swinging shots.<\/p>\n

I’m a big, big fan of Spider-Man. I have been since like 1990. As such, I simply cannot condone this movie. Therefore, I will be making my own sequel, in it:<\/p>\n

Spider-Man won’t be a whiny, pensive little wimp. And he’ll have his witty repartee back. Also, there will be ABSOLUTELY none of this: self-doubt equals Spider-Man loses his powers crap. That was the most ridiculous, sophomoric philoso-hero psyche side-story I hope I ever have to sit through.<\/p>\n

Doc Ock will be an evil genious. None of this misunderstood, insane crap. He’s a bad, bad man.<\/p>\n

Harry will go mad and discover the Green Goblin suit at the beginning of the movie, thus giving Spider-Man two villains to deal with. There will be more interplay between Harry and MJ and Peter, because it’s an interesting love triangle.<\/p>\n

Cameo appearances by other Marvel superheroes. Nothing big, just show the audience that these people all exist in the same universe, and open up some doors for future movies.<\/p>\n

That’s all for now. I plan on suing Sam Raimi personally for pain and suffering. It’s too bad, I kinda like the guy, but he should have known better.<\/p>\n

One last note: Bruce Campbell is still awesome.<\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The movie Spider-Man 2 is a giant, steaming pile of horse-shit. I want my $3 back. I mean: 1. How many god-damned shots of Peter Parker looking pensive do we need to get the picture, “Yeah, he’s struggling with being a hero and being a person … AND?” Seriously, I don’t think a solid half-hour […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ahniwa.com\/old\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/52"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ahniwa.com\/old\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ahniwa.com\/old\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ahniwa.com\/old\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ahniwa.com\/old\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=52"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.ahniwa.com\/old\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/52\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ahniwa.com\/old\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=52"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ahniwa.com\/old\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=52"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ahniwa.com\/old\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=52"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}