Do you have anything to declare?

Yesterday, I was struck with the realization that at some point I began to apologize for myself. It’s not that I wasn’t happy with who I was, but that I became afraid, I think, of what other people would think of me. It’s strange to have these realizations about yourself, that you might have been doing this for so long and not even been aware of it. I think that my tendancy is to try and adapt to situations, and I don’t always know if that is the best course of action. And perhaps there are situations where it is almost never the correct course of action. I’m speaking of relationships.

I’m fairly sure, and I say this without any blame, that I really started this practice in earnest during my relationship with Emily. I’m equally sure that I had this tendancy long beforehand, pretty much as far back as I’ve been dating. And it sucks. The truth is, nobody is going to like everything about me. I’m a heap of jumbled wires, a mass of contradictions, a logician and a dreamer rolled in nori and rice with a large dose of wasabi. The thing is, that’s fine. Without sounding arrogant, I like me. And that’s more important to me than if you like me, or anyone else likes me, or anyone at all likes me, honestly.

I don’t remember becoming so concerned about popular opinion. I’m unsure when it happened. I suspect it rolled out of a sense of self-consciousness brought about by home-schooling and a constant feeling of being different. And not really different in a “you’re unique, a beautiful flower with its own, joyous blossom”. More like a “well you’re a weird one, aincha?” sort of unique. I guess the weird part is that I was never very conscious of it. How the heck did that happen?

The goal, now, is to embrace my multitudes, I suppose. I’m a gamer-geek. I do, really, like to play video games. Sometimes for hours, and even days, on end. I’m a grammar nerd, and I’ll hesitiate for long minutes over a comma; sometimes I’ll haphazardly throw in a semicolon for the sheer sense of danger it gives me. I’m a cinephile and a romantic; a caustic cynic who is endlessly acerbic to his friends and who would do anything for them without them even having to ask. I will never ask for reciprocation. The thing is in the doing. I will not ask for permission to be myself, or hesitate away from my own honest opinion. Emile Zola said, “I am here to live out loud.” And I am. I don’t like television, and I don’t like ignorant people. Still, I’m endlessly forgiving, and I don’t think I’ll give that up. I have a gaggle of interests, and you don’t have to like all of them. They aren’t all very exciting. Vocally, I don’t always tell stories very well. That bit I’m working on. I’m listening to comedy so I can learn how to tell a joke, and I think it’s working. I will work each day to become something new. Something better. Life is just a process of clearing away all the clutter and grime we attach to ourselves, to rediscover that shiny core underneath.

I have my faults, too, but I’ll take them. Who knows, maybe one day, I’ll find someone else who can take them too.